Deployment Sucks!

Photo by Rosie Barnett

Deployment sucks! But that's not exactly what this article is about. However, I just want you to know:

DEPLOYMENT SUCKS!

That being said, here is what I really want to say...

Stay strong!

Be tough!

You can do this; it’s only for a short amount of time.

You will enjoy the time to yourself.

You’re an independent woman; think of all you will accomplish on your own.

Nope, not feeling it. Well, I’m not feeling it today.

Some days, I feel it. I can conquer anything! And then there are the days when the smoke alarm ran out of battery at 12:30 a.m. and there are no batteries in the house. Or when you discover you have a flat tire when you are already late for work. Or when you are just grumpy because you don’t want to have to cook AND do the dishes.

During my husband’s last deployment, I had those kinds of days when nothing went right: when there was a huge spider on the wall right before I went to bed; when our son needed $1000 worth of repairs to his car; or when my dad had a cancer scare.

And yeah, I have those days now during this deployment.

However, I am handling this deployment better than the last. Is it because of experience…I’ve lived through it once, so it’s better the second time around? Yes and no. If I had done the same things that I did last time this time, I’d would be experiencing depression right about now.  This time around, I decided to do things differently.

I decided to be honest both with myself and with others.

There are days that I feel like smiling, and there are days that I feel like crying. And I think to be honest with myself, I shouldn’t hide either one of those days. Because, if I hide what is on the inside, nothing is going to change. This is not a situation where you can “fake it till you make it.” I had to be proactive.

Therefore, I spent some time thinking about what went wrong with my last deployment and how I could proactively change to make my situation better. And I came up with honesty.

See, I wasn’t honest with myself or with others. People at church would come up to me and ask me how I was doing. They were genuinely concerned, but I brushed them off with an “I’m fine,” and kept on moving. Friends and co-workers would say, “Hey just call if you want to do something,” but I would never call. I thought it would be awkward to say, “Hi, can I come over to dinner?”

When I think back on that first deployment, I wonder why I let things happen to me. I waited for people to call, but they didn’t. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t invite me to their parties at Christmas or see if I wanted to come to Thanksgiving dinner. I was literally waiting for other people to fill up my life, and I couldn’t understand why this wasn’t happening.

So during this deployment, it has been my goal to be honest with myself and honest with others.

So here are my top 5 things that I have tried during this deployment that I think may help keep me honest:

1. I stopped saying, “I’m fine.” Well, unless I really was fine. If I am having a bad day, I will now say “I’m surviving,” or “It’s been a rough couple of days.” Saying “I’m fine,” is just brushing off the other person and doesn’t help them understand what it is like to be in my shoes. I think it also belittles the other person, telling them that they aren’t important enough for me to share with them.
2. I make sure to keep in touch with my family. All of my family members live 2500 miles away. When my husband is deployed, I have no family here at all. However, it helps to call our son everyday or talk with my parents on the weekends. I love calling my grandson or my niece and just letting them babble away about what they are doing in school or in the sports they play. It’s therapeutic.
3.  I say “yes” to meetings, get-togethers, parties, etc. Homeowners Association meeting…yes! Ladies Night…yes! Pampered Chef party…yes! For me, it’s important to just be around others where I will have casual conversations, where I can step away from my own stuff for a while and talk with others about what is going on in their lives. Even if I will know no one except the host, I try to go and make new friends. (P.S. This is totally out of my comfort zone since I am a homebody at heart.)
4. I schedule time to be with others. Beyond going to the above-mentioned get-togethers, I make sure I schedule time to go out and do things with the people I care about. I go out with my friend who also has a spouse who is deployed. I have dinner with my neighbors. And if I don’t have an invitation from someone, I call and invite someone to do something.
5. I found an accountability partner. Last deployment, I let things happen to me instead of being proactive. I developed the bad habit of sitting and waiting instead of going on with my life. Now I have a couple of people in my life that keep me honest and help keep me moving in the right direction. Yes, I could do this on my own, through my own strength and determination, but, boy, is it easier when you have a friend right beside you.

The reality is this is my life. I can put it on hold every time my husband is deployed, or I can embrace the dichotomy of it and live a full life no matter where I am or who I am with. My life is full whether my husband is home or not. Okay, yes, I love him and miss him every moment he is gone. He’s my husband, for goodness sake. But what he does as a profession/vocation does not stop me from being who I am 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and living my life completely no matter where he is.

Dear God,

I pray that you protect Rei wherever he is and keep him safe, especially in this chaotic and unpredictable world we live in. 

I pray for Andrew and David that you would strengthen them and help them to find their way in this crazy world, too.

I pray for me to be honest with myself and to continue to be proactive in building relationships with others.

Love,
Jen