Lesson Learned

Ah, reunions! They just never live up to the hype.

I was super excited to get off the plane and see my DH. After being separated for 4 months, I had some pretty grandiose ideas of what our reunion would be. Here is the scenario I created in my mind:

I run into my husband's arms at the airport. We hug tightly; break the embrace for a passionate kiss. People are yelling, "Get a room!" We ignore them while tears gently roll down my cheeks. We can't stop touching one another (kissing, holding hands, hugging) while we wait for my luggage to arrive. He whisks me off to a romantic dinner where we gaze into each others' eyes and tell each other how much we missed each other and how we can't live without the other one.

Eeeerrrrrrccckkkkk! (That's the sound of brakes screeching.) Wake up! Here is the reality of what happened.

It's the weekend before Christmas. I arrive at the tourist capital of the world where the airport is under construction. My husband is waiting for me at the wrong exit and can't find me because I'm already at baggage claim (where my carousel has been changed twice). When he finally finds me, he's grumpy and put-out because of the stress of just getting to the right place.

5 minutes later, our son and my best friend arrive and all chances for romance go out the window! We are whisked off to dinner but it's Chili's (which is normally is awesome but is never really romantic) where we spend the evening talking about Rei's deployment. Forget the gazing into each others' eyes. Forget the emotional sentiments being shared over a lovely dinner. We are lucky to even be sitting next to one another.

We do get some alone time that night but we are exhausted. We spend the next day with friends and family before heading to a condo that we had rented near my parents' house. The homeowners forget we are coming and we spend 45 minutes checking in before they finally release a key to us. Then we arrive at the condo, and there is no electricity. I could feel my DH, who is not a patient man to begin with, slowly begin to boil over. Luckily, my parents have a spare room available, and we stay there.

That's not the end of our condo woes. The next day we go back to the condo to check that the electricity is really on - it is - and we turn on the air conditioner because, well, this is Florida in December. It's what you do. We left to spend the day with my family, and when we return that night, we realize that the air conditioner is not working. It's 80 degrees in the condo, and there are no screens on the sliding glass doors to let in some air. At this point, my husband is not just boiling but completely over the edge. We end up mad at each other and spend the night in separate rooms (it was cooler that way anyway!).

Luckily for us, our vacation did get better. We end up cancelling our stay in the condo and just stay with my parents (p.s. I'm still waiting to calm down before I review the homeowners on VRBO). This works really well; better than I anticipated. After Christmas, we take our son and grandson to the beach for a few days and really enjoy ourselves. It was a good end to what started very shakily.

So you might be saying, "That wasn't the greatest of reunions," and you would be right. It wasn't. The best part was when we arrived home. We. just. clicked. We snuggled on the couch. We watched movies together. We worked on the Honey-Do list together. We went out to dinner. We exercised together. We cooked meals together. It was beautiful. Here was the reunion I was looking for but had tried to make happen in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I'm not sure how I would have done it differently. Maybe I couldn't have. Maybe it was meant to happen how it happened. Or maybe I shouldn't romanticize reunions...

Time Drags On

Have you ever anticipated something so much that the hours seem to drag? Think back to Christmases from your childhood. There was just so much anticipation that you couldn't sleep; it seemed like morning would never come!

That's how it is with deployment reunions. You have dreamed of this day; it has loomed large on the horizon for weeks now. And finally, the day is here. And the hours draaagggggg….

I can hear it in your voice now: “Jennifer, are you really complaining about the day of your reunion?” And my answer is, “Yes, don't you know me by now?”

Seriously, folks, I'm flying on a plane right now, just hours away from seeing my husband, and the minutes are creeping by. Time has ceased to move up here at 30,000 feet. Really. I looked at the clock and hours should have passed and instead, it's only been 15 minutes since I last looked at the clock.

So, I'll continue to sip on my wine and complain. It's what I do best after all.

So whenever a spouse gets deployed, the one that is left behind has all kinds of plans. Trust me, I'm the queen of making plans. And as I told you before, I wasn't going to sit around and mope. So I made plans; I was off and running with any invitation that came my way: dinner, shopping, volunteering, etc. I was there.

Then there were the projects. I had BIG plans. I was going to paint the house, re-stain the bathroom cabinets, and cover the filing cabinet to make it pretty.

I didn't get to those plans. Everything looked so far away on the September/October side of Thanksgiving. But once December came, time sped up (until right now that is). I have no idea where it all went. It just flew. Before I knew it, it was time to pack and get out of here. And that's the last conscious thought I had.

In order to make it seem like I had accomplished something while my DH was away, I came up with a couple of smaller projects that really made a difference in the way the house looks and feels. I found stencils at Target and Michaels and bought some photo collage frames. I became the preeminent expert on hanging stencils. You should invite me over to put your stencils up. All you have to do is pay me in wine (and pay my airfare).

I also ordered curtains for the bedroom. However, they were custom ordered and didn't get in until Thursday. They take a special kind of patience that I don't possess. So they are waiting for Rei to get home. Not that he has that kind of patience either.

Have I rambled enough? Nope, only 30 minutes have passed. See what I mean??!! You probably think you have been reading my blog for hours.

Anyway, plans…

So the plans went out of the window, and I revamped what I was going to do. Then I made a new plan, one that seemed feasible in the face of a fast-moving clock. I would leave little things all over the house for Rei to find when he came home. I bought his favorite wine; I got chocolates and put them on his pillow. I made turkey soup from the Thanksgiving leftovers and froze it. I CLEANED!!!!! And I wrote love notes with dry erase markers on the mirror.

What was that? You are flabbergasted that I cleaned??!! Well, I did. I swept, mopped, and dusted. I made sure every dish was clean and put away. The laundry basket is empty and all the clean clothes are in drawers and closets where they belong. There are clean sheets in the bed. My DH is coming home to a beautifully clean house.

Now one thing I have neglected to tell you is that he gets home before I do. He will be home on the 30th and I get home on the first. So I won't be there to point out how awesome everything is and what a wonderful job I have done on making the house beautiful. So I hope it is obvious! I hope all the awesomeness jumps up and smacks Rei in the face! Then he will call me right away, with tears in his eyes, to tell me how much he loves what I did and how much he misses me all over again even though we have only been separated for two days! (Hopefully, reality lives up to my fantasy!)

Well, the captain just came on to tell us that we only have 648 miles to go. Lucky for you, I’m all complained out.

Motivation and the Lack Thereof

I don't know where it went, but it's gone. Not that I had a lot to begin with. It came in spurts and sometimes I could maintain it. Mostly though I relied on my DH to help though.

I'm talking about motivation, people. Something that I don't have gobs of, but for the most part, I can manage. However, being a "bachelorette," I just don't have the motivation to do anything. And yes, I mean anything.

Here is a list of things I am NOT motivated to do:

Exercise: This has never been my strong suit, but boy, I really don't have the motivation to exercise now. And yes, you don't have to tell me that it's just excuses. I KNOW! But what is it about having to change into a sports bra and sweat pants and put on the right shoes? Ugh, I hate it.

Cook: This is the number one pet peeve I have about living alone while my DH is deployed. And the weird thing is that I love to cook! But I just can't find the motivation to cook for myself. Oh, and the leftovers. When I do make a meal, the leftovers last for 7 days! I can't eat tacos for lunch and dinner for 7 days. I CAN'T DO IT!

Clean: This one has nothing to do with my DH being here or not. I'm never motivated to clean.

Make my bed: Why? Why should I make my bed when I'm just going to get it messy again in 14-16 hours. Right, Mom?

Sit outside: This is weird, don't you think? I've never been a big outdoors kind of girl. However, I am NOT motivated to be outside or even to drink my coffee on the back porch and watch the sunrise over the mountain. And why? Seems like a lovely thing to do. Nope, no motivation.

Grocery shopping: Now, you have to understand that I like shopping at the Commissary and getting my gas on base. However, I live about 30 minutes from the nearest base. If I go to work, I'm about half way there. So I have to drive another 15 minutes out of my way to go to the grocery store and get gas. This, after a long day working with students, and I just want to go home. Nope, not motived to do the grocery shopping either!

Here is a list of things I AM motivated to do:

Go to work: Believe it or not, I'm one of those people who loves my job. I love the people I work with and I love my students. It's just a great place to be (most of the time)!

Come home: Though I miss my DH terribly, I love coming home, even when the house is empty. My house is a sanctuary; it's quiet; it's beautiful; it's peaceful. (And it's messy because I HATE TO CLEAN!)

So, I have to dig deep. I have to find the motivation. At the very least, the house needs to be cleaned before my DH walks through the door. Right?

Dear God,

Please help me get my motivation back. Help me to recognize how taking care of myself and my house is just another way to glorify you and to honor the gifts that you have given me. 

Thank you for letting me be honest with myself so that I can turn things around. And please help me recognize when I am not saying anything positive; let me be a light to others.

Love,

Jen

Deployment Sucks!

Photo by Rosie Barnett

Deployment sucks! But that's not exactly what this article is about. However, I just want you to know:

DEPLOYMENT SUCKS!

That being said, here is what I really want to say...

Stay strong!

Be tough!

You can do this; it’s only for a short amount of time.

You will enjoy the time to yourself.

You’re an independent woman; think of all you will accomplish on your own.

Nope, not feeling it. Well, I’m not feeling it today.

Some days, I feel it. I can conquer anything! And then there are the days when the smoke alarm ran out of battery at 12:30 a.m. and there are no batteries in the house. Or when you discover you have a flat tire when you are already late for work. Or when you are just grumpy because you don’t want to have to cook AND do the dishes.

During my husband’s last deployment, I had those kinds of days when nothing went right: when there was a huge spider on the wall right before I went to bed; when our son needed $1000 worth of repairs to his car; or when my dad had a cancer scare.

And yeah, I have those days now during this deployment.

However, I am handling this deployment better than the last. Is it because of experience…I’ve lived through it once, so it’s better the second time around? Yes and no. If I had done the same things that I did last time this time, I’d would be experiencing depression right about now.  This time around, I decided to do things differently.

I decided to be honest both with myself and with others.

There are days that I feel like smiling, and there are days that I feel like crying. And I think to be honest with myself, I shouldn’t hide either one of those days. Because, if I hide what is on the inside, nothing is going to change. This is not a situation where you can “fake it till you make it.” I had to be proactive.

Therefore, I spent some time thinking about what went wrong with my last deployment and how I could proactively change to make my situation better. And I came up with honesty.

See, I wasn’t honest with myself or with others. People at church would come up to me and ask me how I was doing. They were genuinely concerned, but I brushed them off with an “I’m fine,” and kept on moving. Friends and co-workers would say, “Hey just call if you want to do something,” but I would never call. I thought it would be awkward to say, “Hi, can I come over to dinner?”

When I think back on that first deployment, I wonder why I let things happen to me. I waited for people to call, but they didn’t. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t invite me to their parties at Christmas or see if I wanted to come to Thanksgiving dinner. I was literally waiting for other people to fill up my life, and I couldn’t understand why this wasn’t happening.

So during this deployment, it has been my goal to be honest with myself and honest with others.

So here are my top 5 things that I have tried during this deployment that I think may help keep me honest:

1. I stopped saying, “I’m fine.” Well, unless I really was fine. If I am having a bad day, I will now say “I’m surviving,” or “It’s been a rough couple of days.” Saying “I’m fine,” is just brushing off the other person and doesn’t help them understand what it is like to be in my shoes. I think it also belittles the other person, telling them that they aren’t important enough for me to share with them.
2. I make sure to keep in touch with my family. All of my family members live 2500 miles away. When my husband is deployed, I have no family here at all. However, it helps to call our son everyday or talk with my parents on the weekends. I love calling my grandson or my niece and just letting them babble away about what they are doing in school or in the sports they play. It’s therapeutic.
3.  I say “yes” to meetings, get-togethers, parties, etc. Homeowners Association meeting…yes! Ladies Night…yes! Pampered Chef party…yes! For me, it’s important to just be around others where I will have casual conversations, where I can step away from my own stuff for a while and talk with others about what is going on in their lives. Even if I will know no one except the host, I try to go and make new friends. (P.S. This is totally out of my comfort zone since I am a homebody at heart.)
4. I schedule time to be with others. Beyond going to the above-mentioned get-togethers, I make sure I schedule time to go out and do things with the people I care about. I go out with my friend who also has a spouse who is deployed. I have dinner with my neighbors. And if I don’t have an invitation from someone, I call and invite someone to do something.
5. I found an accountability partner. Last deployment, I let things happen to me instead of being proactive. I developed the bad habit of sitting and waiting instead of going on with my life. Now I have a couple of people in my life that keep me honest and help keep me moving in the right direction. Yes, I could do this on my own, through my own strength and determination, but, boy, is it easier when you have a friend right beside you.

The reality is this is my life. I can put it on hold every time my husband is deployed, or I can embrace the dichotomy of it and live a full life no matter where I am or who I am with. My life is full whether my husband is home or not. Okay, yes, I love him and miss him every moment he is gone. He’s my husband, for goodness sake. But what he does as a profession/vocation does not stop me from being who I am 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and living my life completely no matter where he is.

Dear God,

I pray that you protect Rei wherever he is and keep him safe, especially in this chaotic and unpredictable world we live in. 

I pray for Andrew and David that you would strengthen them and help them to find their way in this crazy world, too.

I pray for me to be honest with myself and to continue to be proactive in building relationships with others.

Love,
Jen

Leaving the Nest

My son, Drew, and I have a very close relationship. I was a single mom with no support from Drew's biological father for 6 years before Rei came into our life. The bond between the two of us is very strong. We have very similar likes and dislikes and our sense of humor is totally whacky.

I tell you all of this to give you an idea of how much I'm going to miss Drew. While he is 21 and we were disappointed in the circumstances that led to having him move back home a couple of months ago, he has worked hard to turn things around and better himself. Unfortunately, I have gotten used to him being around again. 

So now, we are ALL leaving the nest. Drew has to leave the nest and go live on his own. Rei and I have to leave the comfort of the nest we have built over the last 12 years and travel 2500 miles to parts unknown. Needless to say, we are all on edge trying to wrap our brains and hearts around this massive move that will be happening in the next couple of months.

Saturday, after an extremely busy week (I ran our Vacation Bible School program), we went house shopping for Drew. Let me just say that I am so happy we are taking this route of buying a place for him and then he will pay us rent. This gives me a peace of mind I didn't think was possible within our preparations for our move. My big fear was leaving Drew behind and him struggling to keep good housing. I'm not sure I would have been able to function normally if I knew Drew was bouncing from apartment to apartment or moving from one living situation to another.

Now, I have to share that I am married to one of the most thrifty people in the whole world. When I heard what he was willing to spend on a place for Drew, I was convinced we would never find something decent. However, our friend and realtor, Carolyn, found a way for us to spend what Rei wanted to spend and still get a beautiful place. She showed us a bunch of townhouses. We hadn't even thought of townhouses! This was a perfect marriage of Rei's thriftiness with my desire for a nice place in a nice neighborhood.

We saw so many places on Saturday that it was hard to make a decision. The last place Carolyn showed us just seemed like it was going to be one more townhouse. But it wasn't. The minute we pulled into this neighborhood, you see the playground, the community pool and all of the green areas for kids to play. Then we pull up to the townhouse and we know that this is the one. Outside is perfect and inside looks amazing. All three of us could picture little David playing here and growing up in this neighborhood. After viewing the house, we drove around the neighborhood and saw lots of young families. We knew this place was the one!!

We are still waiting to hear from the bank on whether they accept our offer; however, I have great peace of mind in knowing we will find a place for Drew. I thank God that he has provided the blessing of resources for us to afford buying a great place for Drew. I thank God that Drew is at the point in his life, with a good paying job, to take on this responsibility of leaving the nest and taking care of a new place. I thank God for providing me with a husband who honestly loves his son and wants to take care of him. So many things to be done before we move and this was a big one. I'm thankful I can check this one off of my list.

Living Day to Day by His Grace,

Jennifer

Dear God,

I thank You for Your provision, for giving me so much. My gratefulness knows no bounds. It is overwhelming to me how much You love me and take care of me.

I give You thanks for our child, Drew, and for giving him the gifts and talents he has to survive in a grown up world. Watch over him, dear Lord, and protect him from himself and the pitfalls around him.

I give You thanks for providing the resources to us to help us buy a place for our son to live in. We would not be where we are today without the blessings you continue to provide. Thank You for giving us such a great friend in Carolyn who so willingly gives of her time and her own resources to help us and others.

And thank You, Lord, for giving me peace of mind with this step of our move. This is one more reminder that we are following Your will in making this move. 

In Jesus' Name I pray. 

Amen.

Little David

So yesterday I spent the day with Rei and my grandson, David. That little peanut is such a light in our lives! Just thinking about him brings a smile to my face.

Anyway, we went to Seaworld for a few hours (annual passes are such a blessing). What a joy it is to spend time with a two-year old because everything is totally awesome when you are two! His big obsession right now is polar bears. Of course, we had to spoil him with a polar bear stuffed animal!

As we progressed through the afternoon, David wanted to go to the Shamu show. I forgot that they do the "Salute to the Heroes," where they acknowledge all active and retired military personnel and their families. So when they asked all of us to stand up and be recognized, I was taken by surprise and started getting teary-eyed.

And then the waterworks started...I began to think about all that I will be leaving behind, especially my little David. Right about then David started to get tired and clingy and I struggled to keep my composure in the crowded stadium. As the show progressed and the music picked up, I was able to focus on just enjoying the moment.

So I'm wondering how I can stay connected to my son and grandson without feeling like I am missing something. This shouldn't be a hard one for me to figure out. I know firsthand how Rei and I kept in touch while he was deployed in Afghanistan. I also have the tools to make videos and recordings to send to Drew and David. But it's just not the same...

So my prayer today is for God to grant me the strength to bear the pain of separation from my dearest loved ones. May I always feel His presence while we journey through these challenges.

Living Day to Day by His Grace,

Jennifer

Dear God,

It's so hard for me to leave behind my loved ones, especially the ones that I have never lived very far from. Grant me today the strength and confidence in You that will allow me to let go gracefully and rest assured that You are in control of my life and their lives.

Father, I also pray today for David and for his parents. I pray, first of all, for reconciliation between Drew and Katie, that their relationship may be repaired. If this is not in Your will, I pray that they will always remember to put David first when dealing with each other. Give them the grace to be humble and patient with one another and to remember what brought them together in the first place.

And finally, watch over David, dear Lord. Help him to grow up to be the wonderful young man we know he is going to be. Also, help him to remember that all of his grandparents love him so much, no matter where they are.

In Jesus' Name I pray. 

Amen.

Do Not Fear? Peace, Be Still? He's still working on me!

This past Sunday, my husband preached about the story of how Jesus calmed the storm by saying, "Peace, be still." Jesus told his disciples to not be afraid because he is in control.

On Monday, our very first story we recreated at Vacation Bible School was the exact same one from Sunday.

Do you think God was trying to tell me something????

I am married to an Episcopal priest who just happens to be a Chaplain in the Navy Reserve. He recently returned from a deployment with the Marines at Camp Leatherneck in Afghanistan. When he returned from his deployment, we started to prayerfully consider changing our whole lives and joining the military full-time. And then, we did it: Rei put his application package together and submitted it for approval for him to be recalled to Active Duty.

On Monday, we received the news: Rei's application was approved.

On Tuesday, we received this news: The Navy was considering him for a Base Chaplain position in San Diego, California

Did I forget to mention that I have lived in Florida for 27 years? That I have never been farther west than Louisiana? 

On Wednesday, it was confirmed: We will be going to San Diego. 

Did I also forget to mention that the Navy wants Rei there yesterday? Okay, so not really yesterday but by mid-August (which might as well be yesterday).

Those of you that know me will know that there are other circumstances in play here and these make me hesitate even more. Some of them are:

* I'm in a job I love and adore. As an Elementary Music Teacher, I am in my dream job. And these elementary music teacher jobs are hard to come by. Most of my fear resides right here. Will I ever get to teach elementary music again?

* Our adult son lives with us. Drew is a great guy and I am pretty sure this will be the push he needs to get out of the house and move on with his life (he is already making a lot of progress in this area). Some of my fear sits here. Drew has a great job right now and he is meandering his way through college. He has a little boy that lives with his mom. We are waiting to see what happens with this relationship and prayerfully hoping for a positive resolution.

* My family is relatively close by. My parents live about an hour and half away, just close enough to be able to go see them when I need them, but far enough away for us to live our own lives. Mom and Dad both turn 65 this year, and while they don't have any major health problems yet, I won't be there when and if they start. My brother and his wife live close to my parents and I know I can rely on them. But my filial guilt at not being able to be there when needed is starting to attack my conscience.

So, how am I handling this pressure? Um, not well. 

I started researching teaching jobs available in the San Diego area...none. And I'm not looking at just music positions; we are talking no teaching positions whatsoever. Nada, zip, zilch. So I had a melt down. Pretty typical for the way things are going this week. My husband has started tiptoeing around my feelings. I don't blame him.

So then, feeling like I have no control over anything, I decided to take control of something. After two hours, my closet is now move-ready. I think our church's Thrift Shop is going to greatly benefit from our big move. Check out my 6 trash bags of clothes, purses and shoes. Oh and by the way, I cleaned out my closet recently back in March.

Okay, I know what you're thinking, because I'm thinking it, too. What about the Gospel message from Sunday: "Do not fear. Peace, be still."? Was I listening? Did I miss the message?

I didn't miss it; I just needed time for it to sink in. Today, I'm much calmer and I have spent some time in prayer, asking God to grant me some serenity and peace as we approach this HUGE change in our lives. So, I'm going to rest in his promise of True Peace. I know it will be an uphill, daily battle but, honestly, this is going to be a fantastic journey once I let go and let God. This song will help me remind me of what is important. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwsvqVmFV6Y

Living Day to Day by His Grace,

Jennifer

Dear God,

Only You know how anxious my heart is and You know what fears are truly weighing me down. I ask You to melt that block of icy anxiety. Banish away my fears. Silence all the voices of doubt and insecurity in my head. Help me. 

Help me to know You are in control. That even though we have done great things where we are now, there are many more great things in store for us in our new journey. That even though we have received great blessings, there are still great blessings to be reaped. That even though we are leaving behind a wonderful group of friends and loved ones, there are new ones waiting for us wherever we go. And the old ones will never be forgotten and that they are missing us, too.

God, I thank You for all You have given us and I praise You for Your hand guiding us all this way. I ask You to watch over and be with those whom we will no longer be present to take care of. 

And finally God, I ask You to help me to see Your plan. And where I cannot see it, help me to trust in You.

In Jesus' Name I pray. 

Amen.